Transcript from an Essential Oils Addiction Recovery Meeting

Meeting called to order at 7:01 p.m.

FACILITATOR: So when did we know our habit had reached the point of no return? Marvin? Did you feel like sharing?

MARVIN: Sure. I guess I knew it when I found myself hoarding essential oils, just buying large vats of eucalyptus oil, worried that the world’s supply might run out and then I wouldn’t have a remedy for a stuffy nose. And then what? You know?

FACILITATOR: Sure. Aubrey?

AUBREY: For me, my rock bottom was realizing I couldn’t cover the world in essential oils the way I wanted to. I would dream about pumping coriander onto my kids’ slip n’ slide. I seriously considered power-washing my house with dill. And after awhile, thyme was curing my husband’s sleep apnea so well that I considered getting a water bed but filling it with essential oils. I mean–who does that? Do they even make waterbeds anymore?

GABE: I hear you, Aubrey. I loved the Thanksgiving blend so much I put it in an enema, and…yeah.

JAN: Enema! Ha! That’s child’s play. By the end I was sniffing, snorting, and shooting melaleuca any way I could get it. I’d go really hard at my spin class and eventually the teacher would ask if anyone else smelled tree sap in the room. I was so embarrassed but I couldn’t stop.

SUSAN: Uh-huh, well for me it was when I just couldn’t stop commenting on every Facebook thread about how oils were the answer. I started to see every status message as a cry for help, like, Please give me some essential lavender!

[knowing laughter ensues]

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FACILITATOR: And then what happened, Susan?

SUSAN: Well after accusing so many of my friends of having Munchausen syndrome by proxy for using cough syrup when their kids got sick, most of my Facebook friends blocked me. And no one would come to my oils parties anymore. So I would just spend hours on Pinterest learning more about oils and staring at other people’s oils parties. Which, I know is sad, but it’s not like I was mixing up meth in a trailer in the desert….

FACILITATOR: Remember, though, Susan, qualifying our addictions as not as bad as others’ may inhibit the healing process.

SUSAN: Oh, I know all about the healing process. Do you have any thieves oil at home? You just start with a few drops of thieves oil in a diffuser. I personally like the generic one they sell on Amazon. You diffuse that for 24 hours and rub 2 drops of lemon along with a carrier oil on your big toe and —

FACILITATOR: Um, Susan, yeah, what I’m hearing from you right now is a real attachment to your oils, which we are trying to break free from. Because for so many of us, the pursuit of essential oils has ruined our lives.

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SUSAN: I’m sorry. [starts crying.]

AUBREY: Here’s a tissue, Susan.

FACILITATOR: Wait, Aubrey–

SUSAN: Aubrey? [sniffling] Is this tissue infused with eucalyptus?

AUBREY: Oh–

MARVIN: Here, let me check. If anybody here can spot the smell of eucalyptus…

FACILITATOR: Oh no!

AUBREY: [starts crying] I’m sorry. I thought eucalyptus was like methadone and would help me with the withdrawals.

MARVIN: HAHA! Give me that tissue.

FACILITATOR: Hey, everybody, let’s go have some punch and popcorn.

AUBREY: [sobbing] I spiked the punch with peppermint.

JAN: Yeah, sorry, I sprinkled oregano on the popcorn.

FACILITATOR: This is ridiculous! None of you are actually taking steps toward your recovery! You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

SUSAN: Well I don’t know. It’s kind of like old times. It’s like you all showed up to my oils party. And just like every other time, nobody bought anything because they already had it all at home.

Meeting adjourned at 7:14 p.m.

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