Girlfriend’s Guide to an Alien Invasion at Costco

The following are marks of suspected aliens that may appear trolling the aisles of Costco.* This guide is neither complete nor to be taken seriously.

  • Says to greeter, “I don’t have a membership card. I just want to spend money here– is that not enough?”
  • Does not purchase toilet paper, did not forget
  • Passes leather sectionals and/or flat screen TVs without mentioning something about a football or a bachelorette.
  • Children in cart are neither asleep nor ill-behaved
  • Overheard on cell phone, “I just wandered into this little spot where you can buy a lifetime supply of Cheez-Its. What’s that? No. Not sure what it’s called. I’ll ask.”
  • Asks for a map of sample stands
  • Appears to be trying to run in for a few things and run back out
  • Lingers beyond 4 seconds in the chilled produce room
  • Picks up copy of “Magnolia Story” by Chip and Joanna Gaines and says, “Who would even buy this?” with no sense of irony
  • Buys Kirkland-brand fleece hoodie for mother as birthday gift, not expecting her to figure out where it was purchased
  • Never remarks, What kind of army needs *that* much pickle relish?
  • Volunteers to the cashier, “Plastic bags are fine, unless you have paper.”
  • Derides snack bar, as though charging $1 for a cooked hot dog with unlimited condiments isn’t a roasted miracle on a soft bun in a capitalist society.


*If an alien encounter materializes, Costco members are advised to stand by at a sample kiosk and try not to gawk.

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